Heroic Tales From the Loud-Verse
by Shoe2kill506th
Summary: A series of oneshots of what I imagine the Louds and their friends would do if they had superpowers or if they got isekai'd to another dimension. Some will be more controversial than others, but will likely be entertaining to at least a few people (no Loudcest). Hope you enjoy and have a nice day!


**A/N: So yeah a couple of my buddies convinced me to turn this into a full series. What's that? You say Superhero Loud House themed stories have already been written? Well excuse me for only discovering the show in February 2019. But I understand your concern and will make them as varied as possible. This is a fun little one-shot I got inspired to write after watching one of the better X-Men movies. I've always imagined Lynn as a speedster (as has most of the fandom) and I was just itching to get this on paper. Let me know what you think, if you enjoyed it, hated it, if I was too descriptive or not descriptive enough. I don't own the Loud House.**

**Earth 366, Royal Woods, Michigan**

**July 22nd, 2016, 5:33 PM**

Softball practice had just come to a close and I hadn't broken a sweat. Of course I wouldn't have. I'm the fastest girl alive, so it would take more than thirteen laps around the bases to get me tired. More like thirteen thousand. Twenty three thousand on a good day. When offered a ride home from my teammate, Margo, I politely declined. The day was still young and I needed to stretch my legs. I'd go on patrol with Clyde and the League later in the evening, but the pent up energy in me was begging to be released. My superhero name isn't particularly intimidating, and every other decent speedster's name was taken when I got my powers three months ago. Hotstreak, Parkour, and Homerun were all winners in my book, but too little too late. For now, I'll just refer to myself as Lynn Loud: Speedster.

Making sure I was the only one in the parking lot, I hiked my equipment bag over my shoulder, closed my eyes, and took a deep breath. Birds in the sky froze in place. The trees blowing in the summer wind ceased their swaying .The crickets in the grass stopped chirping. Everything turned statue, like a nationwide game of freeze tag. Keep in mind, this wasn't time travel, my molecules were just vibrating so fast that time itself appeared to be frozen. Shit was still moving, just very slowly through my eyes. I knelt down in a runner's position and set my sights on the green and white street sign of Washington Street. Then I ran. And no one even saw me leave.

I had one thought on my mind as I ran at five thousand miles per hour back to the Loud House; zoom up the stairs and jump in the shower before two of my water hogging sisters could steal it from me. Here's a hint: their name's rhyme with Dori and Peni. Seriously, how many showers do you need to take in one day? There's a water crisis in Flint you selfish- you know what? I'm getting off topic. I had just reached the front of the House, the world around me still at a handicapped snails pace, when my heightened stasis picked up a heat signature about thirty feet below me. Directly under the house in Lisa's bunker.

_That can't be good._

I dropped my shit, opened the latch on the surface and ran down twenty-five feet of rungs to the cement floor below. Not climbed. Ran. Normal physics didn't come into play here. I'd been down here many times before so I knew the way. Lisa's bunker was huge; a complete system of tunnels and rooms that stretched underground from the front to the back yard. She had built it in the event that the guy sitting in the oval office finally decided to go nuclear. Scary image, but Lisa thought of everything. She's also the one that gave me my speedster powers. It's more accurate to say she spilled them on me, but there wasn't a lot I could complain about.

I took a right, then a left, then through two more rooms. Turning the corner I slid to a stop and took in an alarming sight before me. Stincoln and Santiago were standing in front of me. She moved to Great Lakes City, what the hell was she doing here? More alarming, was the source of the heat signature I detected; a fireball inching its way across the hallway toward Lisa, about twenty feet from where I was standing.

_Goddamnit, what did you do now?!_

It had to be from the reactor she kept down in the center to keep the lights and irrigation system working. What had she done to set it off? Whatever the reason, it could wait, cause now I had to get her, Ronnie-Anne, and the rest of my family away from the explosion that would kill us all. Thank God, I was still in speedster mode or they'd be smores by now.

I stepped forward and was going to do this the old fashioned way when a thought occurred to me: why not make the best of a bad situation? See, being a superhero came with its own set of responsibilities, I'm sure you've heard the speech before. The one that made me lose the most pep in my step, was the rule that I couldn't use my powers on my family. That meant no pranks, and boy did I have a laundry list of them. Stuff that would make Luan go "why didn't I think of that?" But I held back for the sake of my secret identity and my family's safety.

I had to save their lives but did that mean I couldn't have a little fun while I did it? Would I ever get an opportunity like this again? No. No I wouldn't. My mind made up, I cracked my knuckles and let an evil grin creep across my face.

So how would I go about this? In order from who I wanted to die the least or with who was at risk of dying first? I contemplated this for a bit but made my decision when I noticed the flames were mere inches from where Lisa stood.

_Guess it's the second one._

I clasped one hand on the back of Lisa's head, the other on her lower spine and zoomed past Linc and Santiago. Her glasses fell off mid-run. Serves her right. I was gonna break them anyway once I got everyone out.

_You are the dumbest smart person I know._

I left her on Mr. Grouse's front yard and zoomed back down the bunker.

Once there, I stood in front of my favorite brother and the chick that was way out of his league. I couldn't help but note their facial expressions; terrified, jaws open in a scream and tongues hanging out. Perfect. I tucked them under each arm and up we went. We were on the grass about five feet from Lisa and I lay Lincoln on his back. The temptation to place Ronnie-Anne's hovering form over him was strong, but the impact of their faces would probably break both their noses. I'm mischievous, not cruel. Instead, I placed her on top of him, wrapped his arms around her hips and pushed their faces inches towards each other. For good measure, I also pantsed him. Heh. That was gonna be fun to explain.

_We'll all laugh about this one day, Stincoln._

The ground was shifting, chunks of gravel and grass expanded upward and my attention shifted to everyone inside the Loud House. I zoomed through the front door. To my inconvenience, there were just two people downstairs. Mom sitting on the couch in the living room, nose deep in a murder-mystery novel, and dad in the kitchen falling backwards with a bucket of his famous stew about to melt his face. Dad went first. Can't have only one Lynn Loud in the family, now can we?

I grabbed the handles of the bucket and scooped up the majority of the stew midfall, got him on his feet, then put the refilled bucket in his mittened hands. I sampled the falling bits of stew with my right index finger and gave it a taste. Eh… needed more Oregano.

_Not your best work, Chef Lynn._

I raced outside and placed him in front of Lisa. Who better to see, first thing after the explosion that would destroy his house than the person who had caused it?

Back in the house, I saw that mom was only a finger width away from the ending of whatever book she was reading. I undid it from her hands, and speed read the last twenty-five pages. All I could gather from it was that she was at the climax and the "who done it" question was about to be answered. I opened the drawer next to the couch, took out a pen and pushed the ending up by about twenty-five pages. Spoiler alert: the maid did it. It's ALWAYS the maid. I put the book back in her hands and took her outside. She was still in a seated position reading her book, with nothing under her baby making hips to support her.

_That's what you get for spoiling the NBA playoffs for me._

The blast was getting closer and though I'm not one to dilly-dally, I ran into the kitchen, popped open the fridge and stole the last soda inside. No point letting a perfectly good can go to waste.

Okay. Now for the hard part. The stairs were a blur underneath me and I went into Stincoln's room. I stuck my hand in his pillowcase and felt the curved soundproofed earbuds on the tip of my fingers and crammed them in my ears. I would need them for later.

_Nice hiding spot, genius._

After that, I was in Lily's room. She was in her crib, crying, probably woken by the sudden explosion. Aww… poor Lilster. She was one of the two sisters I had that knew my secret; Lisa because she was the one that changed me, and Lily because… well, I talk to myself sometimes and she's a baby, who the hell was she gonna blab to? I scooped her out of her crib, wrapped her in her purple blanky, scrunched her wailings lips in a suckling shape and popped her pacifier in her mouth. She was only an infant and the sibling that got on my nerves the least, despite the staggering amount of diapers she filled on a daily basis.

_Love ya tons._

Crashing through the second story window in Lola and Lana's room, I placed Lily in the hollow of an oak tree across the street. I zipped back in and nabbed the twin's bedsheets, ran back across the street and tied it between that tree and another one ten feet away from it. Not the best padding to cushion everyone's landing, but it would do.

Back in thing one and thing two's room, I took in their two activities. Big surprise, Lola was "working it" in front of a mirror, and Lana was tending to her animals. Oh, fuck! I forgot about the pets! Okay… deep breath, Lynnsanity… just compartmentalize. I started with Lana.

Why start with her? Look, I'm gonna come right out and say it; I like her more than Lola. Stincoln and her have always been open to playing sports with me, and unlike Queen Priss, she's never once commented on my appearance. With Lana, I killed two birds with one stone by tackling the pet issue; Geo I slipped under her hat (he wouldn't get any lice on him, cause he was still in his ball), Charles and Cliff I made her grip under each arm, Izzy I tucked between her left ear, El Diablo and Bitey I dropped down her overalls.

_Cool. Now you'll get to see who bites harder._

Hops, I put in her mouth because I was 99% sure she wouldn't swallow him and was quickly running out of places to stow the animals. Walt sat in his cage, apparently squawking up a storm, so I undid the latch and tossed the cage out the window. He would come back… probably. Satisfied with the human/pet hybrid before me, I wrapped another blanket around Lana and hurled her out the window in the direction of the makeshift net I made.

_Your turn, ya pink brat._

I grabbed Lola's lipstick and eyeliner off her dresser and set to turning her "perfect" face into a portrait that would make Picasso proud. To make sure she got a look at my masterpiece, I placed a pink hand mirror in her gloved hand. Out she went, and I didn't bother wrapping a quilt around her. Oh, don't look at me like that, she would be fine!

Next stop, my room. I was gonna miss this place the most. I'm more of a minimalist but the stories my punching bag could tell if it had a mouth would be enrapturing. My first tornado kick, my first sprained ankle, my first double-leg, my first broken ankles. Good times. But enough of that! A glance to my left and there was my roommate looking to be in the middle of some kind of satanic ritual, gripping one of Lola's fake pieces of jewelry. If she was happy I couldn't tell, but then again who could ever tell? I ripped off the curtains and punched open our bedroom window, light flooding in for the first time in weeks. And she wondered why her skin was so pale. Vitamin D deficiency, ya vampire. I grabbed her by the shoulders then heaved her out the open window.

_Heh… how do you like that? "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds."_

Soon, I was in Luna and Luan's room and the timing couldn't be more perfect. Luna lay on her top bunk, lazily strumming her guitar and the pie that Luan threw from across the room was about to go _splat! _on Luna's face. Really? She's up there holding the most precious object in her world and you're about to get pie all over it? Did she have a death wish? It couldn't have been out of spite, because Chuckles's face was on the cusp of a laugh attack. Time to dish out some justice of the domestic kind. I jumped up, grabbed the pie, mashed it into Luan's braced face and chucked her punny ass out their already open window, head first.

_You owe me one, Lunes._

I was gonna simply throw Luna out next, _buuuut _she's the loudest in our family, and that isn't something my eardrums would ever soon forget. I grabbed duct tape from Luan's desk, slapped some on her mouth, then duct taped her hands to her instrument. Out she went, sailing through the air backward. At least she wouldn't complain to me for not saving her guitar. Before I went to check on Leni, I pointedly grabbed Luan's fake spider, and left Mr. Coconuts in his corner. He was creepy and deserved to fry.

I found Leni kneeling on the floor of the hallway with some wood and tools and… Jesus, was she literally _making a bed_, again? The rose carvings of the bed's wooden frame were astounding. How could she be this stupid and this creative at the same time? Shame it was about to go up in smoke.

_Seriously Leni, if you do anything with your life other than fashion, become a CARPENTER! There is good money in it! _

Done being impressed, I took Luan's fake spider and stuffed it between her cleavage. I snatched her sunglasses off the top of her head and placed them on top of mine. She's never actually used them for what Sam Foster intended them for: keeping the sun out of your eyes! Into Luna and Luan's room, Leni went and just as quickly left through the window.

Last on my list of asses to save was Lori. _Dear Lori. Dear "stick up her ass, queen of no, I can't not say the word 'literally' in every sentence," Lori._

When I turned the handle of her bedroom door it wouldn't budge. Locked. Okay, no problem. I kicked open the door, the wood splintering upon my cleated foot's impact. I expected her to be on her phone with "boo-boo bear".

My expectations were shattered as I saw that not only was she not texting Bobby, but he was there with her on her bed. And they were both naked. Doing the do. Like, not foreplay. Full-blown hanky-panky. In our house. With no shame or worry about her entire family being mere feet away from them.

….

Now that I thought about it, I didn't have to save Lori or Bobby. I mean, my parents had ten other children, and our food budget has always been tight. One less mouth to feed and God knew I needed the calories! Also they were in the throws of passion! That's probably how they'd want to go out. I walked away from the source of my burning corneas and was going to make my exit when I saw that the fireball had consumed half of Luan and Luna's room and everything beyond that. Shit… that meant the only way out was through Lori's bedroom window. Back in there. With Lori.

From where I stood that left me with two options: burn to death in a slowly approaching explosion or traumatize myself even further. Decisions, decisions. I thought about it twice, and realized Mom would probably kill me for not saving Lori knowing full well I could have. I'm sure I'd get an earful from the Santiago's too. As a superhero, you can't be nitpicky about the people you save… that includes your family.

_Dear conscience, you. SUUUUCK._

_Sooooo _I dashed into the bathroom, slipped on some sterile disposable gloves from under the sink and went to face the sight that would haunt my dreams for years to come. I won't go into too many details as to how I… "undid them"... but you can be sure I was efficient.

The first thing I did afterward was wrapped their _very_ dirty blanket around them both. I jumped on the window's sill and pushed off the panel with my heels, carrying the couple of the year over my head like two pieces of lumber. Two very sweaty, stinky pieces of lumber. The explosion was done eating the house and I could feel the heat behind me as I soared through the air.

Upon landing on the grass of our adjacent neighbor's yard, I dropped them and ran up to the roof of the house in front of me. It was the perfect spot to take in the sight of my home turning into a scene from a Michael Bay movie. Sitting down, the gloves came off, I pulled down Leni's shades in front of my eyes, turned on the noise canceling earbuds, and popped open that can of soda I grabbed three seconds ago.

Alright. Fun's over.

Just like that, the passage of time continued as it should. The earth shattering blast vibrated the tiled roof I was sitting on yet I didn't hear it. The fireballs blinding flash came to its crescendo yet my eyes remained unphased. Bits of flaming wood, smashed plaster, and chunks of earth landed around me and I didn't bat an eye.

While sitting there, chugging my drink a few things crossed my mind; how good is Dad's homeowner insurance? Where would we stay until the house was rebuilt? What the shit did Lisa do to cause all of this?

I could probably ask the League to shelter me and my family, though I doubted Lisa would be welcomed with open arms. She's got that big wig science institute across the way so she'd probably be taken care of there. I'd miss the House. But my family was still alive and that's all that mattered.

As I took out one earbud and listened to the sounds of everyone's discovery I knew that everything was gonna be okay.

"LISA ROOSEVELT LOUD, WHAT DID YOU DO?!"

"Father, I can explain! Where are you exactly?"

"W-why are you on top of me?!"

"Why are _you _under me, lame-o?!"

"Nooo! The maid did it?!"

"MY FACE IS RUINED! DON'T LOOK AT ME!"

"AH! AHHH! EL DIABLO! NO BITING! BAD SNAKE! BAD SNAKE!"

"It worked… I have summoned the dark lord and HE HAS SPARED ME! Wait… where's Fangs?

_Whoops._

"MFFFRGHMFFRGH! WGHHHTHER?!

"I'd tell ya to shut your _pie hole_ but it looks like someone already did it for you! Hehehe! Geddit?"

"AAAAAHHHH! A SPIDER!"

"Babe? What… the heck just happened…?"

"I LITERALLY HAVE NO IDEA! OH GOD, MY DADS OVER THERE!"

I put the bud back in. "Yep. Everything's gonna be okay."


End file.
